A Journal of Undoing – Three

Screenshot

Ever saw someone who made your brain freeze when they smiled? Someone whom you couldn’t bear to lean on you in case they heard your hammering heart?  

Hers is a beauty that loosens the flesh from my bones and makes its home in the canals of my marrow. Each time I saw her, an earthquake in my chest.

I thought I could walk away. But I couldn’t. Not one time. It was always just pantomime. I was rooted to the spot I’d first laid eyes on her. So beautiful I couldn’t bear to look at her. Couldn’t keep my eyes on her. Couldn’t tear them away. She would show up and my body condensed into a whisper. The sound of my resolve breaking was the cracking of knuckles.

There are secret ways of living and leaving. You can ignore someone into oblivion; shut them out until they no longer exist. How does one describe what it is to be let go of, except to say: it is as precise as a grip come loose. One finger opening at a time to release your hand from theirs. As for the wanting, it is nothing like the moon. Not waxing or waning. Once a void, always a void. A lifetime of drought.

I think we are all going to have to find a way to be comfortably in love with absent things. Because I don’t know what I’d do if I saw you again. Hit you. Kiss you with all my breath. Squeeze my eyes shut until you left again. I don’t know. 

The earth reveals nothing. Where do I look for you? Punch me where it leaves a bruise so I know you existed outside of my heart.

Silence can be a wet mattress. Heavy, sodden with the unsaid. Stinking with craving. My love waits in the crevices the light does not reach. I am that person pointing to the sky, brokering with God, asking what I can offer for the relief of this missing. That thunder is laughter. Love and god both ask for me on my knees.

Propel me ahead into a time that does not yet exist. Where I will wait for a moment to live again. Until then, let me sleep. I relinquish every song that has curled my insides. I surrender the memory of the ocean, and sand between my toes. I give up the joy of you. I cannot forget you. Is there a way to not continue remembering? I will forfeit all memory. I will give up the taste of strawberries.

Grief weakens my lungs. Each day is a bite-sized shock. I swallow morsels of lightning. My mouth is singed from tongue to throat. My gullet is the barrel of a gun. You win. You win because to you, we are already left behind. We are the past. We are another life in another world where all the clocks have stopped. 

I have lost you again to another day.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s