I know I will get through it. How is the question. And the other question is, in what shape will I be after it has passed? We cannot remain unaffected by what life does. We can’t not be stained by our loves or maimed by our losses.
It’s just the way it is. We survive not because we want to, but because we often have no other choice. Life doesn’t give you an option. It just keeps happening, keeps going on. Every single morning you wake up and look around you, almost shocked. Everything is a blur in your head but outside the sun is shining, babies are gurgling in their prams, people are waiting for their buses, there is a sale at the shoe store.
You find yourself thinking, ‘what the fuck is this? Doesn’t the world know that my world has died? And what, nothing has been affected? All of you, every single one of you- you are all okay with that?’ It’s like murder in daylight, but no one seems to care. Maybe because it’s not important to them. Or maybe because they have all been murdered too.
So yeah. that is life for you. It doesn’t give a shit how you feel. It will roll over you like an overwhelming wave and take you with it where it goes. You don’t have a choice. And that is where I am now. Choiceless and dancing on waves. Going under, resurfacing, drowning, emerging. One day I’ll find myself on land, but just not right now. I know that.