Dear So-and-so, I am going through quite a bit in my life at the moment…

… Sometimes I look back on how many times I have been asked that simple, innocuous question – “How are you doing?” – And how many times I could have honestly said ‘I’m doing great! I am really happy. I am feeling fantastic.’ Often… no, USUALLY, I have to say, ‘I’m OK. I am managing. Surviving. I could be better…’ I am so tired of those answers.

Today, I told a close companion, I think I have a lot of work to do on myself. A lot of healing. There are so many bruises and scars inside. I need to fix myself up. I am tired of being such a broken person. There is so much damage done which I have never repaired and I want to be whole, I want to be able. Because I am really just hurting ALL THE TIME.

You know, I used to think what does loving myself have to do with loving anyone else? It still doesn’t make sense somewhere in my head, but I think I have lost a lot of self-respect over the years. So much begging and pleading for people to not walk away from me… it has added up. Today there is no self love. No self esteem.

I am writing a lot these days. It’s like vomiting! I know it’s a horrid analogy, but yes, every day. It feels like I’m cleaning a ditch in my head. It’s a sewer in there; dank, dark and reeking of pain.

My life- the insides of me, need some serious introspection. I have been putting off that job for the longest time. Work that has accumulated over 33 years. Yes, I have a lot of work to do…

M.

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