M: sometimes… I just need to be reminded of why I ever walked away and I need to hear it from people who I trust
RC: u tell me, why 🙂 then I will too, first u tell me 🙂 tell me, M
M: I left because something inside me snapped
RC: because you were not respected
M: because I felt she was repeatedly insensitive. Because I felt my feelings were not respected, and because..
RC: because you were not having that good feeling of being loved and cared for, at that level that we all look for
M: well, because I didn’t mind giving
RC: yes, yes, yes
M: if I felt loved- and I didn’t
RC: exactly! u didn’t!
M: but the words weren’t enough after a while
RC: that’s fine. but it’s an innate human quality to feel loved and appreciated, even if expecting is not in order…. yes, words were just not enough…..
M: and that is why something inside me MADE me turn around and say ‘no more. I can’t do this anymore’
RC: and you were giving a lot of things… u got it exactly!
RC: so whenever you have a weak moment
RC: I just want you to recount it once in a while, when you are low and have those familiar sinking feeling of panic attacks
M: I don’t keep score. I don’t count. I give because I love to give. It never REALLY bothered me that she didn’t come here. I understood her situation, but then the small things… they piled up and I just felt like- I am not worth even this to you. I felt worthless
RC: I know, M
M: and then she told me, ‘well, why did you stay back then?’
RC: But it is very important to iterate, M and also when you do all this, it does not mean that you don’t love her
M: I try to understand- It hurts me. This whole thing has made me feel very small. And all this while this silence has just made it harder and harder to believe I was ever loved in that way
RC: don’t feel small. just be happy that you actually loved someone and found someone worthy enough
M: how do people just let go like that? Why do people like you and I always miss that bus. Every day she does not call me… I am crushed. Another 24 hours – More time, more distance between us
RC: am trying so hard to get that part, M -the way people just let go
RC: and then I introspect- and then I know, I could have made a wee bit of a difference too…
RC: there’s you -you who knows SO much
who reads So much
who is so full of energy and love
you have so much to give
RC: Yes we are scared, yes, but who is paying the price?