17 reasons why

it’s not that i wanted to leave. i had to. i would like to say i went so i could salvage some sense of pride. but i know where there is love, there is no room for pride. or even, self respect in my case.

i need you to know that i did not leave just to get your attention. i did not leave hoping that might make you hold me back (although i keep wishing that you had and wondering why you didn’t even try).

and i did not leave to hurt you.
i left so i could stop hurting myself.


i left thinking of that door you kept reminding me of. the one that was always left open for me if i wanted out. in case i ever wanted to leave, there was nothing holding me back. no gun pointing at my head. but i was doing you no favours. i stayed because i loved you, whether you loved me back or not. and that will always remain true.

i remembered all those words and realised all at once that i had begun to matter and mean less to you than ever before.

i left because i didn’t want to be told to go. i left before that happened. and although it seems like the right thing to do, it still feels like cheating. why? because somewhere inside of me is the self-damaging voice that says i should have stayed until you threw me out of your life. until you broke me completely. until i was convinced yet again of how useless and unwanted i am by everything and everyone i have ever cherished.

so, i want to say i am sorry i took that away from you. i am sorry i tried to save myself just this once in my whole life.

i am sorry i chose to live because i know it will mean so little without you anyway.

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2 thoughts on “17 reasons why

  1. 2010, and some girl out there reads these words and wonders how is it possible that you could have described her feelings with such accuracy in 2007? Thank you.

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