god, speed

Dearest _______,

My move to Bangalore was like the taming of the shrew, in this instance, I being the shrew. I am much calmer than I was 6 months ago, or even 4 months ago. Probably because I cease to react as much I would have done before. It has something to do with letting go and letting God. I have no desire to move away. I am feeling more and more centred than I ever have. It’s a very new feeling- living life like you have nothing to lose. Letting whatever happen, happen. Just letting it be. 

I have taken a vow of celibacy for 365 days and that includes emotional celibacy. I never realised how hard it was to just say NO to myself but I am getting used to it. I listen less to voices outside and more to the one voice inside. It’s a wise, gentle, whispered voice. I am convinced my grandfather (who has passed on) is my guardian angel. I think of him so often. See him in my dreams. Feel his large, soft, warm wrinkled palm of his hand on my head. It is so humbling. Enough to make me fall to my knees in gratitude.

I read a lot. About angels. About God. I try to keep myself safe. I try so hard. I dream a lot. But I get to work on time. I work hard. Really hard. Long hours. I work so long and so hard so that I can just go home and collapse. No thinking. No tears in the darkness. I want to be regularly measured and found exceptional. I want to be chosen. I want to find my life purpose. I want believe it isn’t just to be come apart and struggle to be re-fixed time and again. I don’t care about making a difference to anything or anyone else anymore. I don’t care if I don’t get all the attention I once craved. Because I really don’t want it all that much anymore. It’s OK to be ignored. OK to be forgotten. It’s OK to be deprived of the love I so dearly longed for. How much longer do we have here? Some day it will come to an end. I have absolutely no fear of death. I want to know what it is to not need.

I take on more than I have the time for, but I make the time. I sleep less. Eat in the way that takes the sleep far away from me. I am so broken, ______. It went beyond the heart this last time. It is close to one year now and it’s still bleeding me. I have no space for anyone or anything else anymore. ______, I have pangs that are uncontrollable at times. Then I just go away, hide and cry to my heart’s content. Too many people tell you not to cry but I think being able to makes me so lucky. It lets me face things, accept them with open arms, be compassionate towards my harsh, violent, self-destructive feelings, dealing with them with tears- if that is what it takes. And then being able to say, “OK, I am not running away, I am not looking for someone else to come into my life and take care of my needs. I am going to deal with you myself. I gave you the attention you wanted and needed. I embraced you. I am not abandoning you. Now I need to go back to the act that is my life. This is only for a bit longer. A few more years and this hurting will end when we end. Hush now and stay quiet awhile. I am going back to the things I need to do. We are all we need.”

Why am I going on this way? This began as a letter. Now it doesn’t matter what it is anymore. Look at this photograph. Isn’t it beautiful? It shows you the world. It is just what I needed to see: that there is so much more to life, than life.

Godspeed.

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