(All credit to this astounding piece of hilarity goes to the below mentioned):
Dea aka Vib wrote:
In our great ‘linguistic melting pot country’, we speak Indian English. The entire range of emotions can be measured in Hindish, Benglish, Punjish, Tamlish and Gujjish.
Here is a letter showing this.
Hey Yaar there!
Bhat man, no nooj fram you far lang time ? Bhat matter eej ? Hab you forgotten me? Myself, Deepak Khanna from IIT Kanpur. Same Kolege, same nolej, yaar. Hee hee.
Arre bhai, yesterday I go restaurant and they ask, what bil you hab? Cadberry? Papsee? Or one bottle Thunderbolt, one ‘baees ka pauwa’ and one lag piece? Or bil it be straight ‘chempen’ ? Talking of alcohol, do you know there are three kinds of beer in India? One you drink, one you sleep with (called ‘taddy beer’ – you hug it) and one you having nothing to do with, since you cannot ‘beer’ it. Not to talk of the Gujju Beers of Dalal Street who in these Bull Harshad Mehta days, ask each other, (instead of the customary ‘kem che ?’) ‘scam che ?’
Coming back to good old Punjaaaaab, everything is ‘fitta-fit’, thank you. ‘The loins of Bhatinda welcome you’ says a roadside sign. The greatest of their loins, Ajit (of the ‘Tawny’,’Raabert’ and ‘Mona Darrrling’ fame) inaugurated the ‘Groin young loins, mathlab Leo as in leopard’ Club just the other day.
The Bengalis like to ‘shit outside’ in the cool ‘bridge’. Of course, it is impossible to cross the Howrah ‘breeze’ these days, especially during the ‘crush’ hour, when your clothes in the crowded buses get ‘crust’. Bengalis do not have ‘s’ sound and Oriyas do not have ‘sh’. So when Bengalis sing ‘God shave the queen’, Oriyas shout ‘Same, same’.
Delhi ‘sacooter taxi vallas’ will say ‘Woh Susu ki’ referring to Maruti Suzuki.
And a Delhi teenager might ask a restaurant waiter to ‘rape the snakes’ (wrap the snacks) and ‘snakes’ could be anything from ‘peeza’ to ‘baig-dish’ (baked dish) to ‘senwich’ or a plain ‘aam-late’. And the waiter asks ‘Do you want them raped separate, separate or together?’
Which all amounts to BJP. No, not the Bharatiya Janata Party, but ‘Bada Jollu Party’ of Tamil Nadu (this acronym refers to a ‘lecher’) with its ‘jalrafying’ tendencies. Ready-aaa ? In Tamil Nadu, ‘somebody else’ becomes ‘somebody yells’ and villages become ‘vill-aage’ and marriages, ‘marr-aaage’ and people vacation in ‘Gova’ and ‘Lenden’. And not to forget that bakery called ‘Standard confessionary’ (sic) in Madras who are the ‘biggest loafers in town’. And Madras folks are also concerned about others’ opinions and wonder ‘What will four people think, saaar ?’
Which us brings us to Rajasthan. One english tutor was heard telling his pupil that ‘pittal’ is ‘bras’. And also that ‘Mooli’ is ‘carrot’. The mother of the student overheard and came in and asked ‘Isn’t Mooli radish?’ To which the embarrassed teacher replied ‘Yes, yes, Mooli is sometimes reddish and sometimes whitish.’
And two IIT Kanpur professors were bickering about regional accents. When one Bihari professor got up to make a speech “Bhy bharchu of the authority bheshted in me ….” he was interrupted by his Malayali colleague, (A Malayali colleague = Malayaleague) who commented “What atrocious accent!â€ Stung, the Bihari retorted. “Bhat bil you shay?” “Why, I would say it ‘praperly'” said the Malayali “Like ‘By wertu yof the yatarity wasted in me…â€