What else are people selling (in India) online?
Earlier today I posted an entry which comprised a series of ads I’d seen on a popular commercial website that features ”wanted” and “for sale” ads, like Craigslist. It made my morning, I’ll tell you that. Ever the glutton for a good thing, I went back. Yes, I did. And found more gut-spilling treasures. Now I can’t keep these to myself. How can I?
1. 
For those time you need to work out your umm, bowels. I think.
2. 
I feel a little guilty for finding this funny. Well no, not really.
3. 
I know lots of people who love a strengthy dog.
4. 
I think this is expecting too much. This is not even a cute table. I don’t see myself hugging this. And really, I don’t think the chairs will get along with my papier mache floor lamp either.
5.
Crackers put the fun in funeral, don’t you know?
6.
I know this is a sly matrimonial ad for a motercycle. I just know it.
7.
Good to know, good to know.
8. 
Okay I’m interested. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? Oh wait. Yes. It’s a pink goose with a rubber ball on its head. Sure, I’ll take one.
9. 
I am not musically inclined but I do not think this is a cello. However, I cannot resist power stairing.
10.
I don’t know what to say anymore.
Pigeons cross with lions, apparently. Do you wants, lover?
13. 
I must ask what will become of the unconcealed 1/4 bottoms of these gentlemen?
What people are selling online, in India
I usually blog with words. Once in a while I come across something that defies the need for words. Like today, when I found myself on a Craigslist site of sorts looking at some “For Sale” ads, and came across some really interesting things people were selling.
1. 
Just in case you were concerned about the moral temperament of your handheld device, this is good to know. Batteries included.
2.
Flora meets fauna in a crocus panel. As for the Labrador bride, I don’t even…
3.
Right. Gotcha.
4. 
Everybody wants one, I know. Get in line bitches. I saw it first.
5. 
I REALLY want to know what full parlour items comprise. At least the slimming machine is not a crotchety old sourpuss.
6.
Now I know what it means when you make art from pencil.
7.
You can haz Greek philosophical pigeons, but if you thought you could buy a Dealer, well, I guess not.
8.
I am really interested to know what circumstances could POSSIBLY push you into selling a cup you bought in LA for twenty bucks. Help me. Did you lose the saucer? Have your loyalties shifted to cola? Or are you no longer on speaking terms with your crockery?
9. 
You heard the man. If you’re not called Harry, fuck off. Do not waste his time.
10. 
Everything you ever needed to know about divans and were too afraid to ask. Let’s be honest: this is a coffee table. For the… garden, apparently.
11. 
Pure white eyes for all you zombie livestock aficionados and other dear viewers.
12. 
Teeth. Because if you know shit about cows you know oral care is the key to cowdom. Don’t miss who the seller is/ are.
“Pilkunnussija*. That would be me.” – Pseud Freud
- Mamihlapinatapai (Yagan, from Tierra del Fuego): Two people looking at each other each hoping the other will do what both desire but neither is willing to do. –> This could also refer to who farts first in a new relationship.
- Farpotshket: Yiddish, for something that is all fouled up, especially as the result of attempts to fix it–repeatedly making something worse while trying to fix it. –> also known as the Indian government at work.
- Dona (Yamana, Chile): To take lice from a person’s head and squash them between one’s teeth. –> also known as things I really don’t need to know.
- Prozvonit (Czech): To call someone but only let it ring once so that the other person will call you back… –> also known as cheapskate.
- Fucha (Polish): To use a company’s time and resources for your own personal endeavors… –> also known as employee of Indian origin
- Mokita (New Guinea): A word for something that everyone knows but no one ever talks about… –> also known as your very obviously gay son/ daughter
- Pohmelyatsya (Russian): Taking a shot in the morning to help make your hangover go away… –> also known as ALCOHOLISM. Wake up and smell the vodka, already.
- Utepils (Norwegian): To sit outside on a sunny day enjoying a beer… –> also known as gainfully unemployed
- Schadenfreude (German): The feeling of pleasure derived by seeing another’s misfortune. –> also known as reality television.
- Tingo (Pascuense; Easter Island): the act of taking objects one desires from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them. –>for NRIs, this refers to Indian neighbours, Indian friends, and Indian relatives
- Koro (Chinese): The belief that one’s penis is shrinking and will eventually disappear. –> also known as, words men really rather not know exist
- Pilkunnussija (Finnish) Literally translated to ‘comma fucker’; a pedant. A person who corrects little or meaningless things. –> also known as @mentalexotica
“The only thing that is on my side, is my side.” – Pseud Freud
I am convinced that modern life is out to get and the prime agent? Technology, but of course.
Everything from this fucking blasted computer to the alarm clock that goes off at noon. NOON. I have a job, you bastard and I’m not even Sikh in case that was the joke.
From the dementia of computers to the grotesqueness of mobile technology (rechristened as the blonde cell phone, i.e. pretty to look at, thick as a brick) to my Paris Hilton toaster (it’s not brown until its burnt), my perennially sulking hi-fi to the ceiling fan in my bedroom that rotates at will. I am sure its been brainwashed by the washing machine that insists on regurgitating every drop of water that goes into it. Why? And what did I ever do to you apart from use you to wash my dirty laundry?
I just get no respect. Thank God I don’t own a hair dryer or a curling iron.
Fun.
“I used to be nice. Then I got bored.” – Pseud Freud
~
‘Comic Sans is for the humourless.’
~
‘Arrigatto’ – Japanese for ‘In a while, crocodile.’
~
It’s a bird! It’s a plane!
No buddy, actually it’s the flying fuck I do not give.
~
CS Lewis once said that the Church existed for nothing but to draw men into Christ.
I am not sure if I am the only one who finds this slightly disturbing.
~
Female colleague: ‘Men do nothing for me but I really don’t think I’m gay.’
Me: ‘Well, maybe you’re just… post-heterosexual’
~
A dietician advised me today, that in order to lose weight I must avoid all white things.
That’s it then. No more dining with Caucasians.
~
I can hear Akon playing somewhere. He sounds like he’s asking for food.
Akon. The voice that instinctively makes you put your hand out for alms.
~
The keyboard instrumental version of ‘Voulez-vous’ is playing at the restaurant.
Now, all I need is to find a table to be caught dead under later.
~
‘Muchos Gracias’ – Spanish for ‘what a graceful, lush handlebar you have.
~
‘Wanderlust: the act of going around looking for sex.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Now they say Facebook can cause asthma attacks.
Just like how Twitter causes syphilis because everyone’s fucking everyone over.
~
In bed with a travel value pack of Gummi Bears. My standards have hit an all time low.
It used to be nothing less than Mini Milka Bars once.
~
Quite possibly, every answer in the world today owes its existence to the fundamental question, ‘What the fuck?!’
~
I’m tweeting like a fiend tonight. My head is buzzing & my fingers fly furiously across the QWERTY… WHY AM I NOT MASTURBATING?
~
Facebook’s privacy clause is a lot like… well, Santa.
~
Caesar lay stabbed on the floor bleeding to death when he saw Brutus standing before him, dressed in a beige toga.
Said Caesar, “Ecru, Brute?”
~
I refuse to be hard on myself. The people in my life don’t need the competition.
~
Chocolate is the new sex.
At least that’s how I justify the fridge in the bedroom.
~
It is my theory that the usability of a public toilet is inversely proportionate to the fullness of your bladder.
~
“Bisexual is the new straight. Twitter and TV dinners are the new single.” – Pseud Freud
~
I’m an open book. That book is banned in 17 countries.
~
To all the sane, sorted individuals who claim to have no self-esteem issues:
please join Facebook and shut the fuck up.
~
My most effective pick up lines usually have something to do with the retrieval of dropped things. Yes, this is why I’m single.
~
You can safely assume things aren’t working out when you say ‘sleep with me’ and they hear ‘sure, I love stand up comedy’.
~
We must draw the line at this EMI lifestyle somewhere.
Three loo visits since 7 am has me believing that I am crapping in instalments.
~
With so much pubic hair, it’s unfair to pay only for a Brazilian.
So I usually leave a tip the size of South America.
~
I’m going to bed, because you know, we’ve discussed this and the bed will not come to me.
And anyway this mountains & Muhammad business is way overrated.
~
We all know this Eid is to commemorate Abraham’s sacrifice of Ishmael.
But then I see today’s kids and all I can say is spare the goats.
~
Prince Will and Kate will soon get down doing the hustle in an epic repeat of a 3-decade old fiasco.
All I’m waiting for is some old chick to show up and really get this party started.
~
When IBM sends me mail to say I’ve won a £1 million Gmail considers it SPAM, but when the ex sends me hate mail it is escorted into my Priority Inbox. THANK YOU, GOOGLE.
~
Well, I’m glad we can kick Australia’s ass on a cricket pitch.
Especially since we seem to be getting ours kicked by them off it.
~
I can only only do one thing at a time.
Now is not a good time.
Later is not looking too good either.
~
The building society has been on a cost cutting spree and we now have a one-eyed watchman.
Coincidence?
~
‘I am strong. I am invincible. I am anti-perspirant.’ – Pseud Freud
~
‘I’ve been thinking about it and I really don’t see why a ceiling fan cannot be referred to as a revolver.’
~
Marriage sounds like a real walk in the park.
Jurassic Park.
~
I look terrible this morning.
In fact, I haven’t looked so bad since… yesterday morning.
~
Pseud Freud: ‘I told Facebook to go to hell and then realised I didn’t need the company.’
~
I’d say I’m bored out of my tits, but that’s not really true because oh look - blimpy air pillows.
~
So, who is it in SALT again?
Oh yes. Angelina Jolie’s cheekbones.
~
In my case, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has been revised to Monday Affective Disorder.
~
Forgiveness has nothing to do with compassion and everything to do with how hot you are in bed.
~
‘I dare. I have balls of steel wool.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Marzipan is disgusting. It’s like the edible variant of marzipan.
~
I tried having phone sex the other night.
Not only is it very painful but now my phone isn’t speaking to me either.
~
Love Story is a crock of shit.
Had Erich Segal really been in love he’d know that all you’re ever doing is say you’re sorry.
~
A man walks into a bar… and says, ‘Ouch.’
Then Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar and then goes on to spend 2 weeks behind a whole bunch of them.
~
Someone said I reminded them of the comedian, Mr. Bean.
For one, that is not comedian but a legume. Two, it doesn’t even matter because they’re dead now.
~
My phone hangs so often I am surprised it didn’t come with a piece of rope and a fucking ceiling fan.
~
That’s it.
I’m going to bed now and just deal with this fucking insomnia in the morning.
‘You’re so lame you deserve a disability pension.’ – Pseud Freud
~
I am now being followed by @psychic_advice.
I bet they saw that coming.
~
Tell me what to do and I’ll tell you where you can put it.
I’ll even throw in a ‘yo momma’s so fat…’ insult for free.
~
Troubled thoughts, self image issues and occasional bouts of OCD.
You can see why I’m such a catch.
~
I just read that Wonder Woman finally gets to wear pants.
Now, if they could only get Superman to put his undies on first, we’d be sorted.
~
I get loads of dates… I also get loads of calendars.
~
Scared of paedophiles?
Just grow up.
~
I am usually in such poor taste it’s a surprise I am not on welfare.
~
Law 1: Please be respectfully dressed when entering places of worship.
Law 2: Your body is a temple. Fuck Law 1.
~
Milk chocolate rules.
Dark chocolate is pretentious.
And white chocolate is… Michael Jackson.
~
Pseud Freud: ‘But I wasn’t trying to be funny.’
~
@cgawker: WTF? There’s a tornado watch for my area.
@mentalexotica: Stormy times?
~
@MumbaiCentral: That was a LOT of Old Monk last night
@mentalexotica: I take it you had a not too silent but very holy night.
~
“What are you doing up at this hour @mentalexotica? Having sex?”
Yes, you moron. That is what I’m doing on Twitter like, RIGHT NOW.
~
Bowling for Kardashian
Kim Kardashian says she is in no hurry to get into a relationship.
Yeah well, relationships are in no hurry to get into Kim Kardashian either.
The Kardashians sisters are planning to write a book.
Next, Aishwarya Rai will be planning to act & Tiger Woods will plan on being monogamous.
‘I’m in my elephant tonight. Yeah, baby.’ – Pseud Freud
~
I just love grannies. I love their panties even more.
~
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, and it’s not a boomerang, it’s a fucking miracle.
~
When life throws you lemons, you make lemonade.
My life throws me melons.
~
My ex says I’m so bad in bed I couldn’t even turn a computer on.
~
An Indiot is a moron of Indian descent.
And yes, he is usually going down.
~
When she said role-play, I told her I’d be a doughnut.
That’s roll-like, right? It’s round like a wheel. And it um, rolls.
~
I spent a total of 6 hours on the phone tonight.
I suppose I am now sufficiently qualified to be a call girl.
~
I’ve come fitted with a faulty battery for Mondays.
It’s called Neverready.
~
‘I’d be myself if it weren’t so much trouble.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Do not judge a book by its cover.
Unless it’s entitled Homeward Harlot or something, then I guess it’s okay.
~
If it’s sleep you need I suggest lying down.
Hitting beds and sacks is unnecessarily violent and will only make them resentful.
~
Prostitutes in the Navy! Serving the semen!
~
I’d rather die than date a necrophiliac.
~
I don’t know if God has a surname but I have a feeling it’s unlikely to be Damn.
~
This month’s TIME has a feature on which dinosaur’s bite would hurt most.
Is this slightly obsolete or is it just me?
~
There’s a bawling baby on my flight. This is not good.
Today, baby oil will be made in midair.
~
I know why God makes people gay. He wants them to be happy.
‘Balls to sport.’ – Pseud Freud
#Mahut-Isner #Wimbledon
~
Hour 6:
Spoiled for choice on TV tonight. One channel shows 22 men all chasing the same ball; another shows 2 men killing themselves over a fuzzy little green one.
~
Hour 7:
It doesn’t matter who wins now, does it? Everyone is watching to see who dies first
~
Hour 8:
Wimbledon today has been a fabulous display of the adage, ‘The show must go on!’
And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…
~
Hour 9:
So they’ve been on it for 9 hours now… Wimbledon is grass, right? Not weed?
~
Hour 10:
This is not a match. It’s a 2-man gang bang. The court is fucked. The umpire is fucked.
And spectators are wishing they were home fucking instead of being at this retarded game.
~
The match continues tomorrow?!
Find the melancholic gummy bear who said ‘all good things come to an end’ and hang him by his scrotum.
~
Enough tweeting on silly Wimbledon.
Too much time spent at the computer can give you tennis elbow.
~
Pseud Freud’s Slip: If Duracell knew how this would have turned out, they’d have been EverReady to sponsor Wimbledon.
… To be continued. But of course.
And who the Fuckbook are you? #2
Some Random Indiot: 20 June at 03:39
Hi,
I don’t know whether V r connected or not but saw u on my search list..Ive been a member of this site for a little while and found your profile. You sound very smart and attractive. Its rare that i have came across hardly any profiles that was like yours and started to have the feeling that it was all a big joke until now, so I just had to send you a message. As I am looking for friends just thought of giving it a try. Never tried anything on this site. So am not sure whether I will be getting any response or not..Anyways let me see…. a bit about myself…I am a software professional working in Bangalore. I am care free kind of person, nothing can take away smile from my face. I try to squeeze in as much as I can into my day. I love being around people who make me roll on the floor laughing and who live each day to the fullest. Now its ur turn to speak about ourselves.. I hope to hear u soon..
Who the Fuckbook are you? #1
Me on Facebook: 22 June at 11:27
I accepted your friend request but I am not sure we know each other. Do we?
Some Random Person: 22 June at 18:35
Hi, Dear,
Sorry for that? How are you.It is just i have entered into facebook world.Curiously most of my friends have an account.they in a word forced me to engage in facebook. I am not too accoustomed with the procedure.just getting used to it.Sorry again na
Me: Bye bye, ducky.
‘I’m 35, arrogant and single. Twitter is my life.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Sometimes, I just feel dyslexic. Like own.
~
I tried committing. Suicide.
As you can see I failed at that too.
~
Man discovered fire.
Woman called the fire department to put it out.
~
Why do people always refer to the ‘weather outside’?
When was the last time you experienced a hailstorm in the kitchen?
~
I am temporarily out of order.
Then again, when have I ever been IN order?
~
I wonder why so many women complain about difficult periods.
.
There, that wasn’t so hard.
~
Mr. Tibbs of Bombay will soon be taking his highly successful fast food franchise to California.
It will be then known as Frankie Goes To Hollywood’.
~
Seen on FB: ‘We are all here for a purpose. Else we would have been born as trees or animals’.
Well, trees & animals, I hope you are listening because you have been rendered purposeless as of NOW.
~
Seen on perennially stupid FB: ‘We are all here for a purpose. Else we would have been born as trees or animals’.
Well, trees & animals, I hope you are listening because you have been rendered purposeless as of NOW.
“I am my own worst enema.” – Pseud Freud
~
In Uganda, calling a woman ‘fat cow’ is considered a compliment.
Do not try this at home.
~
Staying hungry is a bad idea. After a point everything looks good.
Later still, everything starts looking like food… Here kitty, kitty.
~
When my eyes get droopy & my mouth drops open in an attractive, primal fashion, it is a sign I’m dozing.
Do not feed the Hippos.
~
Food is a four-letter word. Like diet.
I feel like the English language has betrayed me.
~
I can hear a baby here somewhere howling stupidly and I haven’t had breakfast.
These are not good omens.
~
Ooh look, it’s 29 minutes past midnight.
Also known as eating Nutella straight out of the jar o’ clock.
~
Sausages for dinner were not a good idea.
Several loo visits later I’m thinking, with franks like these who needs enemas?
‘Fuck me. I’m famous.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Lady Gaga’s new video is out.
It is yet another traumatic day for television.
~
Britney Spears wants to be frozen in death and brought back to life in the future.
If you have children, please, kill them now.
~
It seems everyone is avoiding poor Lindsay Lohan.
Even her latest piece of jewellery is a bracelet called SCRAM.
~
In fact, LiLo’s temper tantrums are proving too much for her SCRAM bracelet.
It has now been renamed SCREAM.
~
Justin Bieber’s newest release hits the stores tomorrow.
It’s called Here Comes Treble.
~
Jodie Foster has been accused of battery. They say she needs AA.
~
John Goodman’s tremendous weight loss has changed him.
Friends say he’s not half the man he used to be.
~
Kurt Cobain achieved Nirvana and then committed suicide.
There is no pleasing Americans.
~
“FCUK you, Deisel.”
Look, I know it sounds like I have a problem with dyslexics, but I don’t. I just have issues with people who can’t spell.
But the truth is, thanks to FCUK, dyslexics now think they’re the height of fashion cool. And if that wasn’t tedious enough, Diesel decided to join the dumbwagon with their Be Stupid campaign. This is the brand with the baseline that reads: ‘For Successful Living’. Then I think Paris Hilton and somehow, somewhere, it makes sense.
This is a conspiracy to evangelize and glorify idiocy. It’s a new fashion democracy for stupid people by stupid people. If Diesel is telling people to Be Stupid, FCUK must be telling them to Be Dyslexic. Soon to follow will be Miss Sixty – Be A Moron, Esprit – Be Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorderly and Ed Hardy – Be Ugly.
Given the choice, I’ll take brains over testicles, thanks.
Fashion advertising is getting more demented by the day, which is just as well seeing as skinny jeans are back. Be ware.
‘Everything is wrong with me.’ – Pseud Freud
~
Then there was that time I misread the signboard and found myself in a Marital Arts class.
~
The Huffington Post claims that women tweet 12% more than men.
This now takes a derogatory term like ‘bird’, to mean ‘internet-savvy female’.
~
You call them User Testimonials. I call them old love letters.
Potato, potahto.
~
Guess what George W. Bush did on Quit Facebook Day?
That’s right. He joined Facebook.
Next.
~
Huggies has now come out with jean diapers. Yes, because babies, apparently give a shit.
~
Everything is wrong with me.
In fact, the only right thing about me is all the stuff on the opposite of my left.
~
Back in the day, every day felt the first day of the rest of my life.
Now of course, every day feels like the first day of my period.
~
And now we return to your regular scheduled pogrom.
“You mean ‘Fakebook’” – Pseud Freud
To all the sane, sorted individuals who have no self-esteem issues,
please join Facebook and then shut the fuck up.
~
I did the ‘Who Should You Date’ quiz and the bastards on Facebook told me I should ask myself out.
~
Seen on FB: ‘I’m wearing black today for ‘International Day Against Homophobia’.
Hasids and Amish, you might want to consider your wardrobes.
~
I just removed 43 group posts from my Facebook feed – accomplishment.
Now it looks like nothing has happened here since 1982 – WTF.
~
I just read a friend’s FB update about her recent ‘panicky attack’.
No. I really don’t know what to say.
~
I have just read an article on how it is possible to die of boredom.
This only confirms my suspicions that if my job doesn’t kill me, Facebook will.
~
Facebook has a billion people & Twitter is full of stalkers suffering short outbursts of verbal diarrhea.
I live in India & work in entertainment. My life is not much different offline.
~
